Oblivion

Whenever I encounter the word ‘oblivion’ (which is actually rare), first thing that comes to  mind is Augustus Waters. 
The thought that you will be forgotten and not a single soul will remember you always brings this heartbreaking kind of pain.

I know how it feels when you watch people (thanks Facebook!) go on with their lives, see how far they’ve gone, how successful they’ve become, the milestones they had and apparently no one remembered to invite you, or not even a single chat, call or text to check on you. I know how it feels, the realizations, the pain, I know it so whenever I can, I make people feel that I remember them. 

Before my 25th birthday, I tried to meet up with my friends. I have a lot of time now since I’m a full-time mom.

First, J and K (I wrote a letter after that day). It was Rui’s monthsarry and we had some pasta. They came over at our house around 5 or 6 and they stayed up until half past nine. I really missed them. They are the kind of friends that we pick up our topics from the last time we talked and we catch up from there. I love them, I simply do. No photos since we forgot to take any.

Second was Z and R who came with his wife. My bond with these two started from our COCC training days. Z was my “cousin” so I call her “insan” and R was my buddy (buddy system you know, you two together always, etc) so I call him “budz”. We met at Moshi Koshi that day and we head back home ’cause Michael and R decided to drink. I was a really nice catch up. We didn’t talk much until R and his wife went home.

 I used to love R’s presence because he’s the only guy friend who really sticked with us. He would tell us his worries, his plans, his fears, all of it. Me and Z knew his past relationships and somehow seeing his wife, I personally feel like there’s something wrong. We simply can’t put the pieces together. You see, R met his wife during their military training (yuo, he’s in Mindanao right now) and she got pregnant around four or five months after R went to Bicol (where their training happened). If they were batch mates for that military training, how…..? Amd also, I know that it’s his wife who’s answering all my chats since she got pregnant and I’m not O.K. with that. I simply stopped communicating with him that time. During our little catch up, I saw that he really changed a lot and he’s totally different now.

Third, a little meeting with two of my college friends, E and N. I’ve posted about how bad I felt when they didn’t ask me on their group hangouts and stuff. Actually, that is the last time. I will never see them anymore. I only wanted to see them one last time, for my own “closure”. They are dear to me, all of them. But it hurts to know that no one remembered you, when you’re in fact waiting for them. 

And for the past few months I’ve been searching (on Facebook) for all of my old friends. Good thing I was able to find them.

JT, the first person who taught me how to curse (it’s all directed to our class adviser, she simply hates her). I’m so happy to find out that she’s about to finish her studies and a soon-to-be architect. She also have a son now.

F together with K, who are responsible on why I lost faith in friendships. It happened when I was thirteen years old and I can still remember the things they did, I never really forget but I’ve forgiven them. Three years ago, I saw her in one of the well-known malls in BGC where she’s working as a sales personnel. She’s stationed in Baby Needs area and we happen to be buying some new feeding bottles and clothes for Alexis (I’m still pregnant with my second child then). She’s the only one available so I approached her. It feels really awkward because after all the shitty things they did, that was the first time that we talked again. She assisted us but after paying for the items, I can’t see her anywhere. Last night I was able to find her on Facebook and we had a little chitchat. I’m glad that she’s finally settled with a nice man, and she’s about to give birth in two months.
I hope there is someone out therewho remembers me too.

KnS: Lihim

“Lihim” by Shandris

“Tignan mo, maganda ba yan? ” 

“Hmm,  O. K.  lang.” 

At ayan,  matapos ang ilang linggo ng “pagmo-move on” , dyan nanaman sya magsisimula.  Ikukumpara nanaman nya yung sarili nya sa present ng past nya.  

“Eh mukhang nadaan lang naman sa gluta yan eh. ” 

“Medyo chubby pero cute. Hmm, at maganda rin ang hair at mukhang knows mag-make up.  Dyan ka talo girl. ” 

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang babaeng ‘to. Kahit ang linaw linaw naman na wala na syang babalikan eh stalk pa din ng stalk sa ex nyang gwapo lang. Oo mga ‘teh,  gwapo lang.  Walang utak, medyo medyo lang ang talent tapos lahat dinaan lang sa kagwapuhan. Buti sana kung maganda ang ugali kaso hindi eh. 

Magva-Valentine’s Day nanaman kaya ganito nanaman ang drama nitong lokaret na ‘to. Sabi naka-move on na tapos ayan, ayan nanaman.  

Bitter pa din kasi hanggang ngayon,  kahit ilang beses na silang nag-on off, grabeng umaasa pa din ‘tong si gaga.
“Sana kasi naging lalaki ka na lang talaga, tapos tayo na lang.” 
“Alam mo,  lalaki naman talaga ako.  ‘Yun nga lang hindi tayo talo. Pareho tayo ng hanap girl, alam mo yan” 
“Gawin na lang kitang lalaki,  sige na.  Tutal gusto din naman ako ng mama mo.”
“Gaga ka talaga. ‘Wag ka mangdamay ng iba. Gwapong gwapo ka sakin masyado eh ‘noh?”
Sumandal na sya sa’kin. Nako, mukhang lasing pa din ata ‘to. 
“Hoy girl, OK ka na ba? Halika na, iuuwi na kita.”
Hinarap na yung mukha ko sa kanya, sabay sabing “‘Pag naging lalaki ka at naging akin ka, mamahalin kita ng higit pa sa kanya, tandaan mo yan!” sabay halik sakin.
Hay nako mga friends, dun na nga nangyari ang first kiss namin at to be honest diring diri ako that time.
“Eww girl. Hoy Ica nakakadiri ka na ha. Lume-level up ka sa pangmamanyak sa’kin ha. Halika na, uwi na tayo.”
Jusmiyomarimar, buti na lang may carlalu ang lolo mo, maayos kaming nakauwi. Nawala ang tama ko sa halik ng isang merlat. Nakakaloka ‘tong si Ica kahit kailan. Ohmayghaaad. Pagdating namin sa kanila eh sinalubong agad kami ni Tita at inakyat namin si Ica sa kwarto nya.
“Tita, sorry ha, medyo late na kasi. Ayan, shenglot nanaman sya. Haay.”
“Nako Anj, kahit ilang araw pa, ikaw naman ang kasama kaya alam kong safe sya. ”
“Hoy! Ikaw Anj! Angela! Angeline! Gagawin kitang Andrew ulit, kala mo! Magiging akin ka rin!” 
“Nako Ica, mandiri ka nga! Ihahanap na lang kita ng ibang boylet, di tayo talo ‘noh” sagot ko. 
“Alam mo, kung naging lalaki ka lang, gusto ko kayo na lang talaga.” 
Nako Tita, kung alam nyo lang.

Kung alam nyo lang na ilang buwan na din akong nagdadalawang isip kasi pakiramdam ko natitibo na ko, nako.

Just a Quick One : Losing V

This photo was shared in a mommy group I’m in. That Facebook group have more than 15 thousand members and it’s a haven for us moms. Most of us feel it’s a safe place where we can share thoughts and secrets. Anything that moms talk about (from in laws, mistresses, school issues, asking for recommendations, ANYTHING!) can easily be shared in that group and unlike those other mommy groups, this one have more mature members (in my opinion).

When that photo was posted, of course most members responded. Most of the lost it to their husbands or partners, some too early, some too late. What really caught  my attention are those who responded same as me.

Me, I lost it to my 1st boyfriend at 15. He forced me to. By definition, that is considered as rape. I was too young and naive then and I never wanted to dwell on the thought that I’m a victim. I said to myself that it’s OK since he’s my boyfriend anyway. I hid that “rape thought” at the back of my mind ’cause I don’t know what to do. He lives right in front of our house, our parents are friends and…. I don’t know. I just don’t know things. 

Several members commented: 15 (or whatever their age), my ex bf forced me to

There’s one who lost it at 14 to her abusive ex boyfriend. She had a miscarriage and none of them even know that she got pregnant. After the miscarriage, she broke up with him and she stayed away from him. I got teary eyed when I read about what happened to her. I can feel how painful and frustrating that was for her and like all the other members, we’re glad she’s fine now and she already have her family.

About 2-5% of the responders in that post lost their virginity by force or rape. The age is somehow alarming too (one mom said she was raped at 13, that’s when she lost hers. Nobody dared to ask what happened, all of us are just thankful that she’s OK now) since those abuses happened too early or during our teenage years. Not everyone poured out details but aside from that 13-year-old confession, almost all are from exes who forced or abused them.

These kind of things go unreported and some incidents (like the 13-year-old rape) happened without her parent’s knowing it even until now. 

As a mom, I feel worried that someday my daughter might experience those things. What if she keeps it as a secret too? What if she gets blinded by “love” and…and… *sigh*

On the brighter side though, almost about 85% of those who answered lost it to their now husband. 

It’s a choice, not a chance

I saw this photo in one of my friends’ Facebook profile and I totally agree with what this guy said.

Let me share you guys something.

Our relationship started with a “trial” stage. Both of us just came out of toxic relationships and I said “let’s try to be together for six months and if we’re still together by that time, we’ll decided if we’ll be serious”. We just celebrated our 6th anniversary last April 4. We chose to be together.

When I was pregnant with our first child, we both made a lot of wrong choices that are selfish. We broke up for two months after I gave birth, but then I chose to give him another chance.

Like most men, he made a mistake with some girl before and there was a time when I’m ready to let him go. He chose to us, me and our kids, over that girl. We mended our relationship and for the first time, it is a forgive and  forget thing. We chose to start again. 

Finally, me and my husband never really believed in marriage. We don’t even consider it, to be honest. We both think that it’s just a paper and no matter what you do, if your spouse will leave or cheat, nothing can stop them. True, we think getting married is useless but we still chose to, for the sake of our children.

You see, in six years of being together we already  know the worst side of each other. There are a lot of points in our relationship where we can simply walk away but still, we chose to stay and love the person we’re with. 

True enough, relationships last long because two people CHOSE to.

Why is there a sun?

One of the most fascinating experience that I think each parent experienced at one point is having to answer some not-so-easy questions of a toddler. You see, it’s nice to think that from a tiny little baby who’s kicking inside your tummy, your baby’s not so little anymore and she’s starting to wonder more about her surroundings.

As a mom, I already get to answer several questions and most of the time, my answer is “that’s just how it is”, but I’m gonna share something that happened last night.

We’re in bedroom waiting for dinner and we’re watching Fairy Tail (the anime, yes. We’re on Ep130). Erika, our 3-year-old daughter, was hugging Michael that time when she suddenly asked ” Papa, bakit may araw?” (“Papa, why is there a sun?”) Michael looked at me and I just raised my eyebrows. I’m also waiting for his answer. He said “Syempre para may liwanag tayo. Kung walang araw, edi laging gabi, lagi kang tulog nun. Gusto mo ba yun?” (“Of course, so that we can have light. If there’s no sun, it’ll be night time always, you’ll be sleeping all the time. Do you want that?”)  To this, Erika simply answered “Ayoko” (“I don’t like that”) and she buried her head to Michael’s chest again. By the time he’s giving his answer, I’m already laughing silently and when they’re done talking, he throw a pillow straight to my face. It’s the first time that my husband get to answer one of those ” Why” questions and it’s just fun listening to them talk like that.

Moms, what’s your child’s memorable question?

Cracked Heels

One of the things that I get to keep after my pregnancies are my cracked heels. Since I gave birth with my second child, I never really get to remove it. Sometimes I’d go for a foot spa but in few weeks time, it’ll be back. I used to love wearing sandals but these cracked heels made me avoid them.

After giving birth to my youngest last year, I bought this ProFeet Cracked Heel Balm (Php 150 during that time). I love how effective it is. I usually apply it at night and it actually works wonders. 
I usually do it like this; after putting the balm, I put on a plastic then a sock. 

Looking for something to try on your cracked heels? Try this.

Masakit Magmahal (Love Hurts)

We’re waiting for our dinner and my son keeps on singing this song and I’m surprised with the conversation we had. I’m not sure if he actually have any idea.

Alexis: *singing “Paano Ba Magmahal” by Sarah G.*

Me: Bakit masakit magmahal Alexis? (Why does love hurts, Alexis?)

Alexis: Eh, ganun talaga yun. Kapag nagmahal ka, masasaktan ka.(That’s how it is. If you love, you get hurt)

Me: Hindi ba pwedeng hindi masaktan? (Is it possible not to get hurt?)

Alexis: Hindi! ‘Pag ‘di ka nasaktan, edi ‘di ka nagmahal nun. *sabay kindat* ( No! If you didn’t get hurt, then you didn’t really love *wink*)

…and that is my 4-year-old son.

It made me think for a sec, his words remindedme of some things that are quite true. Ano’ng alam ng batang ‘to? As if he knows anything, but most probably he’s just playing the words from the lyrics.

Here’s the song btw: