KnS: Lihim

“Lihim” by Shandris

“Tignan mo, maganda ba yan? ” 

“Hmm,  O. K.  lang.” 

At ayan,  matapos ang ilang linggo ng “pagmo-move on” , dyan nanaman sya magsisimula.  Ikukumpara nanaman nya yung sarili nya sa present ng past nya.  

“Eh mukhang nadaan lang naman sa gluta yan eh. ” 

“Medyo chubby pero cute. Hmm, at maganda rin ang hair at mukhang knows mag-make up.  Dyan ka talo girl. ” 

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang babaeng ‘to. Kahit ang linaw linaw naman na wala na syang babalikan eh stalk pa din ng stalk sa ex nyang gwapo lang. Oo mga ‘teh,  gwapo lang.  Walang utak, medyo medyo lang ang talent tapos lahat dinaan lang sa kagwapuhan. Buti sana kung maganda ang ugali kaso hindi eh. 

Magva-Valentine’s Day nanaman kaya ganito nanaman ang drama nitong lokaret na ‘to. Sabi naka-move on na tapos ayan, ayan nanaman.  

Bitter pa din kasi hanggang ngayon,  kahit ilang beses na silang nag-on off, grabeng umaasa pa din ‘tong si gaga.
“Sana kasi naging lalaki ka na lang talaga, tapos tayo na lang.” 
“Alam mo,  lalaki naman talaga ako.  ‘Yun nga lang hindi tayo talo. Pareho tayo ng hanap girl, alam mo yan” 
“Gawin na lang kitang lalaki,  sige na.  Tutal gusto din naman ako ng mama mo.”
“Gaga ka talaga. ‘Wag ka mangdamay ng iba. Gwapong gwapo ka sakin masyado eh ‘noh?”
Sumandal na sya sa’kin. Nako, mukhang lasing pa din ata ‘to. 
“Hoy girl, OK ka na ba? Halika na, iuuwi na kita.”
Hinarap na yung mukha ko sa kanya, sabay sabing “‘Pag naging lalaki ka at naging akin ka, mamahalin kita ng higit pa sa kanya, tandaan mo yan!” sabay halik sakin.
Hay nako mga friends, dun na nga nangyari ang first kiss namin at to be honest diring diri ako that time.
“Eww girl. Hoy Ica nakakadiri ka na ha. Lume-level up ka sa pangmamanyak sa’kin ha. Halika na, uwi na tayo.”
Jusmiyomarimar, buti na lang may carlalu ang lolo mo, maayos kaming nakauwi. Nawala ang tama ko sa halik ng isang merlat. Nakakaloka ‘tong si Ica kahit kailan. Ohmayghaaad. Pagdating namin sa kanila eh sinalubong agad kami ni Tita at inakyat namin si Ica sa kwarto nya.
“Tita, sorry ha, medyo late na kasi. Ayan, shenglot nanaman sya. Haay.”
“Nako Anj, kahit ilang araw pa, ikaw naman ang kasama kaya alam kong safe sya. ”
“Hoy! Ikaw Anj! Angela! Angeline! Gagawin kitang Andrew ulit, kala mo! Magiging akin ka rin!” 
“Nako Ica, mandiri ka nga! Ihahanap na lang kita ng ibang boylet, di tayo talo ‘noh” sagot ko. 
“Alam mo, kung naging lalaki ka lang, gusto ko kayo na lang talaga.” 
Nako Tita, kung alam nyo lang.

Kung alam nyo lang na ilang buwan na din akong nagdadalawang isip kasi pakiramdam ko natitibo na ko, nako.

Just a Quick One : Losing V

This photo was shared in a mommy group I’m in. That Facebook group have more than 15 thousand members and it’s a haven for us moms. Most of us feel it’s a safe place where we can share thoughts and secrets. Anything that moms talk about (from in laws, mistresses, school issues, asking for recommendations, ANYTHING!) can easily be shared in that group and unlike those other mommy groups, this one have more mature members (in my opinion).

When that photo was posted, of course most members responded. Most of the lost it to their husbands or partners, some too early, some too late. What really caught  my attention are those who responded same as me.

Me, I lost it to my 1st boyfriend at 15. He forced me to. By definition, that is considered as rape. I was too young and naive then and I never wanted to dwell on the thought that I’m a victim. I said to myself that it’s OK since he’s my boyfriend anyway. I hid that “rape thought” at the back of my mind ’cause I don’t know what to do. He lives right in front of our house, our parents are friends and…. I don’t know. I just don’t know things. 

Several members commented: 15 (or whatever their age), my ex bf forced me to

There’s one who lost it at 14 to her abusive ex boyfriend. She had a miscarriage and none of them even know that she got pregnant. After the miscarriage, she broke up with him and she stayed away from him. I got teary eyed when I read about what happened to her. I can feel how painful and frustrating that was for her and like all the other members, we’re glad she’s fine now and she already have her family.

About 2-5% of the responders in that post lost their virginity by force or rape. The age is somehow alarming too (one mom said she was raped at 13, that’s when she lost hers. Nobody dared to ask what happened, all of us are just thankful that she’s OK now) since those abuses happened too early or during our teenage years. Not everyone poured out details but aside from that 13-year-old confession, almost all are from exes who forced or abused them.

These kind of things go unreported and some incidents (like the 13-year-old rape) happened without her parent’s knowing it even until now. 

As a mom, I feel worried that someday my daughter might experience those things. What if she keeps it as a secret too? What if she gets blinded by “love” and…and… *sigh*

On the brighter side though, almost about 85% of those who answered lost it to their now husband.