Oblivion

Whenever I encounter the word ‘oblivion’ (which is actually rare), first thing that comes to  mind is Augustus Waters. 
The thought that you will be forgotten and not a single soul will remember you always brings this heartbreaking kind of pain.

I know how it feels when you watch people (thanks Facebook!) go on with their lives, see how far they’ve gone, how successful they’ve become, the milestones they had and apparently no one remembered to invite you, or not even a single chat, call or text to check on you. I know how it feels, the realizations, the pain, I know it so whenever I can, I make people feel that I remember them. 

Before my 25th birthday, I tried to meet up with my friends. I have a lot of time now since I’m a full-time mom.

First, J and K (I wrote a letter after that day). It was Rui’s monthsarry and we had some pasta. They came over at our house around 5 or 6 and they stayed up until half past nine. I really missed them. They are the kind of friends that we pick up our topics from the last time we talked and we catch up from there. I love them, I simply do. No photos since we forgot to take any.

Second was Z and R who came with his wife. My bond with these two started from our COCC training days. Z was my “cousin” so I call her “insan” and R was my buddy (buddy system you know, you two together always, etc) so I call him “budz”. We met at Moshi Koshi that day and we head back home ’cause Michael and R decided to drink. I was a really nice catch up. We didn’t talk much until R and his wife went home.

 I used to love R’s presence because he’s the only guy friend who really sticked with us. He would tell us his worries, his plans, his fears, all of it. Me and Z knew his past relationships and somehow seeing his wife, I personally feel like there’s something wrong. We simply can’t put the pieces together. You see, R met his wife during their military training (yuo, he’s in Mindanao right now) and she got pregnant around four or five months after R went to Bicol (where their training happened). If they were batch mates for that military training, how…..? Amd also, I know that it’s his wife who’s answering all my chats since she got pregnant and I’m not O.K. with that. I simply stopped communicating with him that time. During our little catch up, I saw that he really changed a lot and he’s totally different now.

Third, a little meeting with two of my college friends, E and N. I’ve posted about how bad I felt when they didn’t ask me on their group hangouts and stuff. Actually, that is the last time. I will never see them anymore. I only wanted to see them one last time, for my own “closure”. They are dear to me, all of them. But it hurts to know that no one remembered you, when you’re in fact waiting for them. 

And for the past few months I’ve been searching (on Facebook) for all of my old friends. Good thing I was able to find them.

JT, the first person who taught me how to curse (it’s all directed to our class adviser, she simply hates her). I’m so happy to find out that she’s about to finish her studies and a soon-to-be architect. She also have a son now.

F together with K, who are responsible on why I lost faith in friendships. It happened when I was thirteen years old and I can still remember the things they did, I never really forget but I’ve forgiven them. Three years ago, I saw her in one of the well-known malls in BGC where she’s working as a sales personnel. She’s stationed in Baby Needs area and we happen to be buying some new feeding bottles and clothes for Alexis (I’m still pregnant with my second child then). She’s the only one available so I approached her. It feels really awkward because after all the shitty things they did, that was the first time that we talked again. She assisted us but after paying for the items, I can’t see her anywhere. Last night I was able to find her on Facebook and we had a little chitchat. I’m glad that she’s finally settled with a nice man, and she’s about to give birth in two months.
I hope there is someone out therewho remembers me too.

KnS: Lihim

“Lihim” by Shandris

“Tignan mo, maganda ba yan? ” 

“Hmm,  O. K.  lang.” 

At ayan,  matapos ang ilang linggo ng “pagmo-move on” , dyan nanaman sya magsisimula.  Ikukumpara nanaman nya yung sarili nya sa present ng past nya.  

“Eh mukhang nadaan lang naman sa gluta yan eh. ” 

“Medyo chubby pero cute. Hmm, at maganda rin ang hair at mukhang knows mag-make up.  Dyan ka talo girl. ” 

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang babaeng ‘to. Kahit ang linaw linaw naman na wala na syang babalikan eh stalk pa din ng stalk sa ex nyang gwapo lang. Oo mga ‘teh,  gwapo lang.  Walang utak, medyo medyo lang ang talent tapos lahat dinaan lang sa kagwapuhan. Buti sana kung maganda ang ugali kaso hindi eh. 

Magva-Valentine’s Day nanaman kaya ganito nanaman ang drama nitong lokaret na ‘to. Sabi naka-move on na tapos ayan, ayan nanaman.  

Bitter pa din kasi hanggang ngayon,  kahit ilang beses na silang nag-on off, grabeng umaasa pa din ‘tong si gaga.
“Sana kasi naging lalaki ka na lang talaga, tapos tayo na lang.” 
“Alam mo,  lalaki naman talaga ako.  ‘Yun nga lang hindi tayo talo. Pareho tayo ng hanap girl, alam mo yan” 
“Gawin na lang kitang lalaki,  sige na.  Tutal gusto din naman ako ng mama mo.”
“Gaga ka talaga. ‘Wag ka mangdamay ng iba. Gwapong gwapo ka sakin masyado eh ‘noh?”
Sumandal na sya sa’kin. Nako, mukhang lasing pa din ata ‘to. 
“Hoy girl, OK ka na ba? Halika na, iuuwi na kita.”
Hinarap na yung mukha ko sa kanya, sabay sabing “‘Pag naging lalaki ka at naging akin ka, mamahalin kita ng higit pa sa kanya, tandaan mo yan!” sabay halik sakin.
Hay nako mga friends, dun na nga nangyari ang first kiss namin at to be honest diring diri ako that time.
“Eww girl. Hoy Ica nakakadiri ka na ha. Lume-level up ka sa pangmamanyak sa’kin ha. Halika na, uwi na tayo.”
Jusmiyomarimar, buti na lang may carlalu ang lolo mo, maayos kaming nakauwi. Nawala ang tama ko sa halik ng isang merlat. Nakakaloka ‘tong si Ica kahit kailan. Ohmayghaaad. Pagdating namin sa kanila eh sinalubong agad kami ni Tita at inakyat namin si Ica sa kwarto nya.
“Tita, sorry ha, medyo late na kasi. Ayan, shenglot nanaman sya. Haay.”
“Nako Anj, kahit ilang araw pa, ikaw naman ang kasama kaya alam kong safe sya. ”
“Hoy! Ikaw Anj! Angela! Angeline! Gagawin kitang Andrew ulit, kala mo! Magiging akin ka rin!” 
“Nako Ica, mandiri ka nga! Ihahanap na lang kita ng ibang boylet, di tayo talo ‘noh” sagot ko. 
“Alam mo, kung naging lalaki ka lang, gusto ko kayo na lang talaga.” 
Nako Tita, kung alam nyo lang.

Kung alam nyo lang na ilang buwan na din akong nagdadalawang isip kasi pakiramdam ko natitibo na ko, nako.

Just a Quick One : Losing V

This photo was shared in a mommy group I’m in. That Facebook group have more than 15 thousand members and it’s a haven for us moms. Most of us feel it’s a safe place where we can share thoughts and secrets. Anything that moms talk about (from in laws, mistresses, school issues, asking for recommendations, ANYTHING!) can easily be shared in that group and unlike those other mommy groups, this one have more mature members (in my opinion).

When that photo was posted, of course most members responded. Most of the lost it to their husbands or partners, some too early, some too late. What really caught  my attention are those who responded same as me.

Me, I lost it to my 1st boyfriend at 15. He forced me to. By definition, that is considered as rape. I was too young and naive then and I never wanted to dwell on the thought that I’m a victim. I said to myself that it’s OK since he’s my boyfriend anyway. I hid that “rape thought” at the back of my mind ’cause I don’t know what to do. He lives right in front of our house, our parents are friends and…. I don’t know. I just don’t know things. 

Several members commented: 15 (or whatever their age), my ex bf forced me to

There’s one who lost it at 14 to her abusive ex boyfriend. She had a miscarriage and none of them even know that she got pregnant. After the miscarriage, she broke up with him and she stayed away from him. I got teary eyed when I read about what happened to her. I can feel how painful and frustrating that was for her and like all the other members, we’re glad she’s fine now and she already have her family.

About 2-5% of the responders in that post lost their virginity by force or rape. The age is somehow alarming too (one mom said she was raped at 13, that’s when she lost hers. Nobody dared to ask what happened, all of us are just thankful that she’s OK now) since those abuses happened too early or during our teenage years. Not everyone poured out details but aside from that 13-year-old confession, almost all are from exes who forced or abused them.

These kind of things go unreported and some incidents (like the 13-year-old rape) happened without her parent’s knowing it even until now. 

As a mom, I feel worried that someday my daughter might experience those things. What if she keeps it as a secret too? What if she gets blinded by “love” and…and… *sigh*

On the brighter side though, almost about 85% of those who answered lost it to their now husband. 

For J and K

Kanina lang kami nagkitakita ulit ni Janelle at Krizza. Nakakatuwang makita at makausap sila ulit,  ang sayang maka-catch up sa kanila. 

Si Krizza,  nagma-masterals na.Kahit tinatawanan ko sya kanina,  nakaka-proud kasi talagang ‘diretso’ pa rin yung direksyon ng mga plano nya.  That’s what I always admired about her.  She’s very competitive, determined and focused. Once she’s put her mind into something, she’ll nake sure she’ll have it.  Nakakatuwa talaga. 

Si Janelle, looking forward na makapagtrabaho na sa BGC.  Nakakatuwa kasi the way I see it she’s taking it slowly but surely.  I hope she can take more risks because like what J. K. Rowling said: 

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

It is OK to fail as long as we’re  learning from it.  Personally, I still have a lot of things that I’d like to risk trying but since I have children,  I cannot  do any of those things for now

Krizza and Janelle, salamat at natuloy din sa wakas!  Sa susunod kasama na natin si Eileen ha? 

I love you girls! 

srsly girls, krlan tayo mgkikitakita ult?

A post shared by arianne balagot cantes (@aryaningmo) on

P. S. : Photo was taken during Krizza’s 18th birthday. Sexy pa kami nyan. 😂

Just a Quick One: PotUS

Me and my husband talking about Trump at around 5 in the morning:

Me: Can’t they remove Trump?  Can’t they remove the U. S.  President?  I mean,  what should they do? 

Him: Since they are democratic (country),  they can impeach him. Actually,  his reforms are OK and Americans are not used to strict policies. Just like with Duterte. They’re against how he’s doing things so there are lots of black propagandas. 

Me: OK?  He is against the minorities and …and…how about the Muslim ban that he signed recently? 

Him: Technically,  most of the Muslim bombers legally get in through their airport.  

Me: Bombers?  Really? 

Him: There are bombings, it doesn’t always get reported here though.  Besides, he needs to do what’s best for the country (and the majority) and the minority needs to adjust. That’s why they’re called minority. Look at Putin, (blahblahblah, he even discussed how the voting process is in the US) 
I can’t  even explain how frustrated I am. Saying Trump is same as Duterte is wrong in so many ways.

  As a Filipino living in the Philippines,  I know Duterte’s moves are for the good of our country. A lot of politicians,  army men and policemen are against his war on drugs because they are gaining (millions if not billions) from it. Now, Trump is a different thing. 

Trump,  from what I’ve read from people on my friendlist,  is a very hateful person.  Homophobia and Xenophobia are just some. His hatefulness has encouraged some of his followers to harm other people and that is just wrong in so many ways.  When people starts getting scared for their safety in their own land(or in their neighborhood), then there’s something terribly wrong that’s happening.

This one happened recently as well.  Gosh,  I want to punch that girl in the face. 

P. S. 

Hubby’s a supporter of ‘dictators’ so, yeah. 

Hi Kuya Rhad, 

You’re so Rhad!  Charot. 

Recently, karamihan (kung di man lahat)  ng post mo,  puro pang-brokenhearted at pang-sawi. Nagtataka ako kasi alam ko masaya ka naman sa kanya.  Bakit biglang may ganyan? (ramdam ko yung sobrang in love tas parang biglang bagsak yung relasyon nyo, feeling ko ganun) 

Nagpaka-stalker ako ng slight.  Tinignan ko account nya at tinignan ko din tumblr mo,  baka sakaling andun ang sagot kaso wala (wala pa nung time na yun). 

Ilang araw din na sa tuwing may post ka,  inaabangan ko iniisip ko “OK na kaya si Kuya? “. Binabasa ko looking for clues, although din rin naman kita nakakausap ng personalan o kahit biruan. (pero follower mo ko since tumblr days, wayback 2011 pa!) Lurker lang pero nag-aalala ako. 

Hanggang sa nagpost ka ng “Boyfriend for rent” selfie. Nasabi kong “ahh, medyo umo.okey okey na :D”

Gusto kong malaman yung nangyari pero di ko na tatanungin. Masaya akong sumasaya ka na ulit (kahit pa’no). 

Kuya Rhadson, kung ano man yan alam mong lilipas din yan. Matatapos din yan, at dahil dyan makakasulat ka nanaman ng magandang libro. :mrgreen: Gaya nga ng sabi sa quote sa One More Chance, “baka kaya tayo iniiwan ng taong mahal natin….” alam mo na yun, haba eh. 😂

Basta, kaya mo yan.

Kapag BGC life ka na, makakapagpa.pirma na ko ng libro sayo (sa wakas!).

Till then Kuya.Aja!

Dear You,

I wrote my first letter for you four years ago.  Sobrang ibang iba pa ang sitwasyon noon. :)Bakit ako sumulat ulit? Wala lang. Masaya ako na sa wakas,  mukhang Ok na Ok na kayo.) Sa tuwing nakikita ko yung pictures nyo,  masaya akong makita na masaya ka. 

Kailan kaya kayo ikakasal?  I hope soon.  🙂

Keep it up a d God bless,  Weisz.